How to Read English

by Steph and Dan

Analphabetism rates are on the rise. In Canada, there’s about 17% of the population that has weak reading skills. There are different levels to judge reading competency. Approximately 1 out of 2 Quebecers aged 16-65 can’t comprehend what they are reading, thus ranging from level 1 and 2 (very weak reading comprehension). This can translate into someone not understanding how many Claritins to take after examining the medical instructions on the package. This “How to” essay will show you how to improve your reading skills so you can be flipping pages as fast as a white girl ordering Starbucks.

Step 1:

Learn the alphabet… all of it. It goes like this; A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, LMNO, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Step 2:

Learn the sound of every letter. For example, A sounds like eh and F sounds like gh.

Step 3:

Learn syllables. For example, the letters D and O makes the sound dewh.

Step 4:

Combine syllables to create words. For example, the word knife can be broken down into neye-gh.

Step 5:

Placing multiple words together in a certain order will give you sentences. Ex: re-read step 5.

Step 6:

Now that you understand the basics of the english language, it is highly suggested you start practicing your new advanced reading skills. In order to do so, you may re-read this essay multiple times.

It is now time to put your skills to the test.

According to the image above, what is the recommended Claritin dosage?

1. Once in 24 hrs
2. Once in 12 hrs
3. You’re have trouble reading
4. You don’t have allergies

If you chose a), you are correct and most likely have better reading comprehension than 50% of Quebecers. If you chose otherwise, you probably can’t tell if you’re wrong or right since there’s a high probability that you can’t read this. Or this. Or even this.

If you’ve made it this far without any difficulty, then why on earth did you feel need to read this article?!?! There’s also the possibility of our methods being highly effective… You’re welcome.